Sober Spring?

Back in October 2020, I decided to take a little hiatus from social media. I planned to take a couple of weeks off Instagram, just as I would do any other time the online world begins to feel a bit gross, inauthentic, time consuming, all the things. That little break spiralled somewhat into two and a half years offline, and that for the most part felt incredibly freeing. I did recently however begin to realise how much I missed those regular if not fleeting moments of connection with those I would not ordinarily have the opportunity to see as much as I would like and, combined with working from home, that did begin to bring little pangs of isolation as time went on. So, after logging back on, and receiving a temporary Insta-ban for a mass unfollowing (not sorry), I am back with a much healthier headspace about this curiously curated and not so discretely filtered online world.

And with that, I have something I need to get off my chest. As of today, I have had two completely alcohol-free weeks, and I am willing myself towards committing to the Sober Spring challenge… that being to stay teetotal for three months. Having partied my way through my teens and twenties, I staggered out the other side a good while ago now, carrying a complicated cocktail of some of my all-time favourite stories, frantically shaken together with some of my most embarrassing moments, and sprinkled with the emotional scars of regret. There are things I would do differently, but I also had a binge-drinking blast, so sitting here feeling quite proud of the woman I am in my mid-thirties, I need to let the girl who never wanted the night to end proudly take her lairy, bare-footed, glassy eyed place in my history. I am by no means a big drinker any more. I have a pretty good grip on understanding how to enjoy a wine or two without the absolute horror show of all consuming anxiety that inevitably follows a boozy night, and the weight of being a healthy role model to my babies eclipses any temptation to fully awaken past unhealthy habits.

However, they are habits. Habits that have been formed over several years, cultivated amongst a generation of other habitual drinkers. I know with absolute certainty that me from 10 years ago would not have been able, and definitely not willing, to even step tentatively towards this sobering challenge. Alcohol has fuelled me through countless social situations, masking the slightly awkward introvert within. It was only really when the hangovers became blanketed in mental and emotional anguish that I began to question my relationship with booze. The more I questioned it over the years, the more I realised the complexity of it, and the more I realised it most definitely was not a friendship. I have made so many positive changes to address that, yet I’m still sitting here with a niggle of doubt about whether I can commit to abstaining entirely for the next 2 and a half months. To absolutely no one’s surprise, I have started to overthink about why that is… and I just keep coming back to the same thought patterns. I have absolutely no concerns about sticking to the sparkling water (does all alcohol-free wine taste like sugary dishwater?!) when I am in my comfort zone. It is the thought of bigger social situations bothering me. In the period I would be taking on the challenge, to name a few, I have: a holiday, a hen weekend, a wedding, bank holidays, birthdays and more socialising as I come out of hibernation for the summer, and I keep asking myself the same question:

‘Am I still fun without wine?’

Calmer, yes. More coherent, no doubt. Definitely less likely to wander off, and all together more capable of being present in the best way. But, will people still like me? Will I seem a bit boring without the confidence boost of a glass of wine? If anyone is put off by authentic sober me, why would I be worried about their opinions? I shouldn’t be. I kind of still am, but know I shouldn’t…progress?!

This is not me saying I am never drinking again; I mean, I am literally going against my genetics in even considering the dry spell. Its more about me taking back control, about realising how things feel for me and actually responding to them. It’s about the fact that I feel physically and mentally so much better without alcohol, and for that reason alone I know I should do this to say to myself ‘you are enough.’

S x